Treasure

I made a disturbing realization today. I only have about 4 more months (if all goes well) to breast feed my son. It's laughable that I feel this way. When he was 3 weeks old, I remember thinking, "Am I supposed to LIKE breast feeding? Because I HATE it!" My sister encouraged me to give it 6 weeks. She was right. At 6 weeks Landry and I both turned a corner. He became more efficient in his sucking and latched on better. It stopped hurting so much and I began to really treasure the time with him.

Luke 2 says this:

16So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. 17When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, 18and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. 19But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. 20The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

While Mary had many more things to treasure and ponder than I do, I really get what she was feeling. I've always "understood" the idea of treasuring this time with Jesus on an intellectual level, but now I understand it on an emotional level as well.

I treasure the time feeding my son. At 7 months he doesn't nurse much, only two or three times a day. And he is really quick now. It doesn't last long. So when I realized that this window is soon closing, my heart was a little sad and I pondered these things.

My son isn't much of a snuggler. He likes to be held, but he isn't cuddly. So when he nurses, it is a way for us to be close and a little snuggly. Nursing is also the instant fix-all. If he is tired, give him the boob. If he is upset, give him the boob. If he doesn't feel good, just being near the boob is good enough. It is amazing how God made that to be so comforting to my baby. It is also comforting to me too - to know that I can instantly comfort him. How will I comfort him when nursing is no longer an option? Yikes! I know I will, it just won't be as instant or as complete. Breast feeding really is a special gift and I will miss it when the time is gone.

One of the most beautiful things I've ever experienced is looking down at my son looking up at me while eating. Sometimes he'll pull off just to give me a big smile. Wow. I can't express how thankful to God I am to have gotten to experience what this is like. I don't take it for granted. And I realize this may be my one and only. I hope it isn't, but if it is, I can say with a full heart that I got to experience the beauty of feeding, providing for and comforting my son in the most God-ordained way.

Sometimes I wish I could capture the look on his face when he looks up and smiles at me. But then I can't think of how to keep the whole boob thing out of the picture. :) So it will just be one of those things I treasure in my heart. Something so sacred that only God and I get to share it.

6 Months

Wow. Six months have gone by since I posted. Shame on me. But I reread what I wrote on August 27th and now laugh at how I thought Landry would just sleep regularly. HA! Not so much. All that time I thought I was going to have to blog and sleep and read has not materialized. My sweet and precious boy is not a good napper and not a great night sleeper... yet. We're working on it. Thankfully he is a happy boy. And loves green peas!

I'm quite amazed at how fast 6 months can go. My boy is halfway through the "baby" part of his life. It has made me feel more urgent about soaking in what I can of this age. So my newest thing is that I've joined 2 classes through Gymboree. We are taking the regular Gymboree class and the Baby Signs class. We start next week! Should be fun.

On a somewhat related note, since I don't get to sleep much and am going on 7 months with quite a bit of sleep deprivation, my husband gave me the best Valentine gift. He is flying Landry and me to Durango next weekend to see his folks. They are quite helpful with the baby and are so excited to get to help. So I see SLEEP in my future. And hey... I may even go crazy and do something like, oh, I don't know, say... sit at Starbucks by myself and read my latest Book Club book! WooHoo!

Well, nothing of deep significance to write today. Just wanted to get back into the swing of things and do better about posting. My sis started a new blog that has inspired me to try to be more faithful. Thanks, Hanna!

The First Day of the Rest of My Life

I almost titled this "What a Difference a Year Makes." However, in light of how I'm feeling, I think "The First Day of the Rest of My Life" says it best.

After years of struggling and infertility, God granted us a beautiful baby boy named John Landrum Loftis V on August 8, 2007 at 7:30pm via C-section.

Today, August 27, 2007, is my first day without a mom or mom-in-law to help. It's just our little family. The first day of the rest of my life as a mommy. It's all me. I'm on my own. And it is both terrifying and wonderful.

Thankfully God eases us into this process with little ones who sleep a lot! He is napping right now. He's a good eater and a good sleeper. Quite an easy baby. My mother-in-law tells me that my husband was wound very tight. Thankfully our little guy doesn't take after his daddy in that way. He's fairly laid back except when it comes to food. Then he's all business!

So today I'm thinking through what our lives will look like. I know I need a nap each day when he naps. And I'd like to also begin reading his books to him. So we need to have story time. Then I think he also needs a little time on his Baby Einstein play mat. It plays music, which he really likes.

The first day of the rest of my life ... wanting to figure out schedule and playtime and naptime and all that fun stuff. Wanting to have a sense of things. Otherwise, it feels way too daunting.

Well, I hear him squeaking, so I better go be a mommy now.

What an amazing gift!!

What Is Reality?

This has been a weird weekend.

I got a call on Friday morning at the church where I work letting me know that our former youth minister, who just left our staff a few weeks ago, was rushing his baby daughter to the hospital. This 3 month old little girl, Emmalee Renee, wasn't breathing when the youth minister went in to check on her during a nap. Evidently she'd been without oxygen for about 20 minutes in the doctor's estimation. They were able to get her breathing but she had to be on life support because there was no brain activity. They waited about 24 hours, but she never regained activity so they took her off life support and she died yesterday evening.

Hearing about any child's death is always so difficult and unimaginable. But I think I'm even more tender to these sorts of things right now.

I'm struggling to accept the harshness of life. I'm not angry with God. That isn't it. I don't feel anger. I think I feel fear. And deep ache. And maybe I feel a little indignant. Parents shouldn't have to lose their babies to suffocation.

My sister reminded me that Emmalee is the winner here. She's with the Lord. We can't be sad for her. She got to miss the heartache of life and go straight to the glory of the Lord. But the heartache of her parents losing that precious little thing barely 3 months old... that I can't grasp. How their hearts don't explode from pain is beyond my comprehension.

I know all the right things to say... God will get them through, He will use this for good, He knows best, etc. All those are true. But that doesn't dismiss or diminish the heartache of having your newborn one minute and not having her the next. He doesn't take away all the "What If's" they will play in their heads for the rest of their lives. They won't stop wondering what Emmalee would have been like with each birthday that passes. You never get over this kind of loss. You move on, you live life, but you don't ever forget.

Earlier this week, the 15 year old daughter of the lady who cleans my house had a baby girl named Jasmine. The 15 year old's boyfriend is no where to be found. Another reminder that life is harsh and not fair. This family barely makes ends meet as it is and now they have this sweet new baby to care for and raise. All the while, John and I would give all we have to be parents to our own child. How is it that 15 year olds having sex out of wedlock have the "consequence" of a child while 36 year old married women wrestle with the burden of infertility? How is a child the "consequence" of sin in one instance and the unrealized hope and dream in another?

In the midst of all this, I went to the UT/OU football game yesterday. It was the funnest game to watch so far this year. It was fun being in the Cotton Bowl with John, his brother and his dad. It was a beautiful day. I loved watching the Horns come out the 2nd half with confidence and poise. They played hard and looked like the team I watched win a national championship last year. It was so much fun. And it was relief from the pain for a little while.

Life is a weird thing. I'm cheering and happy and screaming my voice away one minute. And grieving the loss of my co-worker's baby the next. Pure joy and pure pain. The two can exist together. There was part of me that felt guilt for having fun at the game. It's not reality. It isn't important really who wins and who loses. It doesn't mean anything beyond today. And yet it is relief for a moment. Escape.

UT football has been that escape for John and me a lot the last couple of years. It gives us something to look forward to and unite around. It's fun to watch, it's fun to be a part of. But it isn't reality.

What is reality?

Wisteria

Here's one of the blooms on the Wisteria plant. You can see the burned leaves just above it.

By the Way

It's raining today!!!

Plano hasn't seen rain since July 4th.

The rain matches my mood and it is wonderful.

Pslam 72:6 He will be like rain falling on a mown field,
like showers watering the earth.

The Life I Always Wanted; Only, Nobody Told Me

Why, oh why can't I just accept the life God has given me?

I feel this message in every fiber of my being: "I plan your life, my child. Not you." Why isn't that enough for me? It should be enough. In fact, I should be thrilled!

That's where I'm at today. Struggling to embrace the life I have instead of the life I want.

Only one life and soon it will pass. Only what's done for Jesus will last.

A "Psalm 1" Lesson

My friend Laura said that this is my space to write what I want. So I am. I'm puking all over the page today. Close the page if the smell is too strong!

I woke up this morning replaying conversations I had with my husband's family this weekend. I'd say they are getting a firm F- in the sensitivity department. Thankfully, my husband and I hammered through some things last week before spending the whole weekend with all of them. It felt so good to me to have him confirm some behaviors his mom has displayed toward me. I wasn't satisfied in knowing she has those behaviors, I was satisfied in hearing my husband agree with me on this topic for a change.

Of all the people in my life, John's family has handled my infertility the worst. About the same time I was attempting IVF, my sister-in-law was announcing her pregnancy. That was quite a blow. She's more than 10 years younger and has often said she didn't really want to be a mom. All I've ever wanted to do was be a mom. And now look at us....

Anyway, I was given the opportunity this weekend to express my hurt and disappointment to my mother-in-law over their unreasonable expectation that I begin throwing confetti for my sister-in-law's pregnancy. I'd say I got a firm B-/C+ in how I handled that conversation. But it felt really good to get it out. One of the things I like about my mother-in-law is that we can be honest with each other about our feelings usually.

The problem is.... I woke up this morning feeling more bitter and angry with all of them. I lay in bed replaying the conversations over the last few months. As I thought about some of the things they've said recently, I became angrier and angrier. So then I had this wave of disgust come over me at my angry heart. I don't want to be that angry person. But what do I want?

Almost every morning when I come to work, I water some newly planted Wisteria plants. As I watered this morning, I let the guard down on my heart a little and thought through some of what is going on in me. I can identify some of what I want that I have no control over: to be a mom, to have a different sister-in-law, to have a fulfulling job, to have a husband following Christ. What I realized is that for the most part, these aren't bad things (maybe I shouldn't say different sister-in-law... just a nicer one would do). However, my tried and true mode of operation is in full force. I'm terrible at just sitting with my longings. I have to stomp my foot and demand. John's family's treatment of our infertility has felt downright cruel at times. So I've crossed my arms and said, "You don't want to embrace my grief? You don't want to hear the depth of sadness in my heart? It's all too inconvenient for you? Fine. No problem. But you will pay." ugh.

I don't like that I have to have all this grief, I don't get to be a mom, I have to watch everyone I know get pregnant with no difficulty, AND God expects me to handle it all well. It feels so unfair. Pity party deluxe today.

But as I was watering the plants, I noticed something. We planted Wisteria plants at the worst possible time of year - late July in Texas! And to make matters worse, this is Dallas' hottest summer on record. So I've watered these new Wisteria plants a lot over the last few weeks. I've been discouraged because the leaves are looking so brown. The sun is fierce. Even with all the watering and care, pieces of the plants are burning. But today I noticed a beautiful purple bloom on one of the plants! I was so surprised and pleased. And it is one of the plants I've worried most about because it's in the sun more than the others.

So many analogies come to mind, but what I snatched and stored in my heart is this: Even though the sun is fierce and I'm hot and tired, going back to God consistently for water will produce beautiful blooms in me. Some of my leaves are still going to burn. We do live outside the Garden afterall. But both blooms and burned leaves can exist at the same time. I can have new growth and old hurts working together to make me who I am. I'm not pristinely green, but my plant is still pretty and can bring joy to others.

I have some gaping holes in my heart that I'm expecting others to fill. And that is so unfair to them. No one, not even my husband, can make my heart whole. It is unreasonable and unhealthy for me to try to make them make me feel better. Of course, there are some reasonable expectations I can have of John's family that have not been met. But I can't cross my arms and "make them pay" when they don't meet my expectations. In one of my earliest posts, I wrote:
Expectations + Reality = Disappointment
That continues to be true. So I must learn to handle disappointment better. This isn't a new concept for me. This is an age-old battle. Same song, second (or third or fourth or fifth) verse. You would think I would learn so I don't have to revisit this kind of pain and frustration.

The work it will take to release the anger and the demands seems daunting, but the freedom that comes from allowing God to water my heart and produce blooms is worth the work. I hope.

The Honest Truth

A couple of people have asked why I haven't been blogging. My answer: no one wants to read what I have to say right now; too depressing.

I realize that goes against my own philosophy of community.

But the truth is, I feel that my sadness is too much to give anyone else in its entirety. So I'm tentative to share it at all. I've realized that the well of my sadness is so very deep. Even if I could give some of my sadness away (or at least lessen it) by sharing it with others, I can't possibly dump it all. There's just too much. The well seems to be bottomless. Even with my dearest friends, I feel shameful that I can't just "pull it together". I also think our culture allows a certain amount of sadness and no more. I'm well beyond that threshold!

Even I am surprised at times by the depth of my sadness. Tears are always so close to the surface. And just when I think there can't possibly be any tears left in my well (mixing the metaphors a little), new ones quickly come flowing.

I'm listening to "Cry Out to Jesus" by Third Day on the internet as I type. I love how God uses music to help our hearts speak the things our minds don't always have the words for. Several songs have helped along the way: Held by Natalie Grant; Praise You In This Storm by Casting Crowns; Blessed Be Your Name by Tree63; How Great Is Our God by Chris Tomlin are a few of those.

Something I'm learning in the pain:
It is one thing to say that God is good. It is another thing to mean it.

Singing the lyrics of some of the songs I mentioned above means something different to me now. It's not that I haven't had pain before. But I've never had pain like this.

Lyrics like these...

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

and:

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name

...are harder to sing. The heart with which they are sung has come at a very great price. Saying "God is good" comes from a grateful but grieving heart. I don't know how people survive without God. It's hard enough with Him!

After rereading what I've written, the temptation to delete this entire blog is great. So I'm going to post now.

If I've exceeded your threshold, I ask for your grace.

Hold It Up To The Light

Well, I'm back. I hope to do a better job of posting now.

It's been a crazy few weeks. I quit my job, went on a couple of short trips, started a new job, and started the In Vitro Fertilization process. I haven't been near a computer much, but now that I'm back to a more normal schedule, I think blogging will be easier.

I've been on quite a faith journey recently. It began in April as I wrestled with whether or not to do IVF. I was gardening one Saturday and listening to my husband's new iPod. A song came on by David Wilcox that I had never heard before. It is called "Hold It Up to the Light". Here are the words:

It's the choice of a lifetime - I'm almost sure
I will not live my life in between anymore
If I can't be certain of all that's in store
This far it feels so right
I will hold it up - hold it up to the light,
Hold it up to the light, hold it up to the light

The search for my future has brought me here
This is more than I'd hoped for, but sometimes I fear
That the choice I was made for will someday appear
And I'll be too late for that flight
So hold it up - hold it up to the light,
Hold it up to the light, hold it up to the light

It's too late - to be stopped at the crossroads
Each life here - a possible way
But wait - and they all will be lost roads
Each road's getting shorter the longer I stay

Now as soon as I'm moving - my choice is good
This way comes through right where I prayed that it would
If I keep my eyes open and look where I should
Somehow all of the signs are in sight
If I hold it up to the light

I said God, will you bless this decision?
I'm scared, Is my life at stake?
But I see if you gave me a vision
Would I never have reason to use my faith?

I was dead with deciding - afraid to choose
I was mourning the loss of the choices I'd lose
But there's no choice at all if I don't make my move
And trust that the timing is right
Yes and hold it up hold it up to the light
Hold it up to the light, hold it up to the light

Even now as I read back on the words, my eyes well up with tears. It was such the perfect song for me in my moment of deciding. The verse in bold really got me. I was listening to the live version of the song, and during an instrumental interlude David Wilcox begins sort of poetically talking. He mentions "The Road Less Traveled By" by Robert Frost and talks about how he has realized in retrsopect that both roads would have been ok because God would have been on both roads with him (major paraphrase). He says that it is only in retrospect that he sees he was on the "right" road. For some reason, this resonated with me and I felt like God was telling me this IVF path is ok. I needed His approval, and in that moment, I felt like He gave it to me.

However, I've continued to wrestle with my feelings and fears about the "what ifs". Of course, my main fear is, "What if this doesn't work?" I had a moment one day while reading "When the Heart Waits" by Sue Monk Kidd where I realized that part of my belief is that God is not going to give me a child because infertility is what will require the most faith of me.

I haven't always wanted to be a doctor or accountant or counselor or teacher. But I've always wanted to be a Mom. And what I've realized is that being a Mom may be the one thing He withholds from me because I want it most. It feels cruel to me at times and I've been angry with Him. But I also realize that He really does work this way in people's lives when He is calling them to a greater level of trust and faith. To say it another way, having kids is my Isaac that He is asking me to lay on the altar. With no guarantee of a ram.

So I continue to wrestle. Part of me, the holy part, desires to embrace that truth and lay it all on the altar for His glory. That feels really good to me. It resonates with something deep in me that speaks a peace beyond understanding. It doesn't release me of my fears, but it feels right. Then there is another part of me, the human part, that is screaming from the top of its lungs, "Don't ask this of me, Lord. Please, not this." The weight of that kind of loss feels so heavy. So painful. And so I wrestle.

We'll know in a few short weeks where this current path will lead. I take great comfort in knowing that God already knows the outcome. He is still in control.

I'm thankful for the struggling and what it produces in me. May it bring some glory to Him.

Quick Update

Wow! Has it really been more than a month since I last posted? Where did my life go?

I want to thank Beth for checking on me.

I've been meaning to sit down and write about the signs that I feel God communicated to tell me that going down this In Vitro Fertilization path is ok. I've been meaning to do it, but have not had much time.

April was hectic. I quit my job, took care of my beautiful nephew for 5 days in Houston, spontaneously went to San Francisco with my husband, and now I'm getting ready to go home to see my folks for Mother's Day. I'm also painting 2 rooms in my house, having lots of doc appointments to get ready for this crazy attempt to have kids at 36 years old, and am about to start a new job.

The truth is.... I'm busy, and not doing well. My soul is not at rest. I've been avoiding God, but I don't know exactly why.

The counselor for the group that I'm in challenged me last week to examine my heart and "have my day in court with God." The counselor asked me to think through what it will mean if God's plan A is not for me to be a mom. Gulp. I want to have my day in court with God. But I can't seem to get to the court to have it. If that makes sense. I'm running. And I know I'm scared. But I don't know what I'm scared of. Which is another good reason to just be still.

Not blogging is yet another sign that my soul is not well. The world seems out of sync right now.

Life is not as I had planned it. (Boy is that an understatement! And I know anyone who reads this can say the same thing.)

I'm reading a new book by Sue Monk Kidd (who wrote The Secret Life of Bees). She also wrote When the Heart Waits. I've only read a couple of chapters, but the book seems to be about a kind of mid-life crisis that Sue went through and how she learned to be still and listen. The book is about her journey into a comtemplative lifestyle. A waiting period much like a cocoon where God is growing and changing her while she is being still and allowing Him to. Huh. I want that. But I don't feel that I have the freedom to be still. I guess that is where I need to start.

I'll try to do better about posting my experiences along the way. Thanks to those of you in my cheering section who care about my soul.

Black Days

Warning: If you're in a good mood, don't read this today.

I'm having a hard day.

I'm trying to apply my counselor's wisdom for my friend last week to myself today. To embrace depression and let it be a friend. I feel myself fighting what's inside of me, scared to embrace it. Scared to embrace the deep sadness and fear because if I do then I'm not sure the tears will stop.

Three and half years and ten or so fertility treatments later and still no children.

I heard Amy Grant being interviewed on the local Christian radio station this morning. She talked about a conversation she had with Minnie Pearl about 13 years ago. She wanted to name one of her daughters after Minnie's real name (Sarah) and wanted to ask her permission. Minnie was ill but lucid and asked Amy if she knew the most important color. When Amy said she didn't, Minnie said, "Black." She told Amy that black makes all the other colors come to life and have dimension.

Today is a black day and I'm hoping and praying that there will come a day full of color when I'll hold a child of my own. But I just don't know. What makes the black even blacker is the not knowing.

As I face my 36th birthday approaching quickly (June) and as I prepare for our first In Vitro Fertilization consult in a couple of weeks, my heart is heavy. IVF was always down the road, in the future, an extreme option if everything else didn't work, a last resort. And now here we are. And I can't help but wonder, "What if this doesn't work? Then what?" There is no next step, no other option.

I'm sure if you are reading this you are thinking, "There's always adoption." Even adoption isn't a sure thing these days and it isn't the same as knowing what it feels like to have a life growing inside you. I always thought I'd get to know what that is like.

I'm grieving lost dreams today. Grieving the dream that I would be a mom. Life is what I've done on the road to being a Mom. There has never been a career plan in my heart in the traditional sense, only jobs along the way. My career plan has always been to raise God's precious gifts. To teach them the sound the cow makes, teach them to tie their shoes, to say please and thank you, to eat their vegetables, to embrace life, to love people, to know God, to live a life that matters.

To have such a strong desire and nothing to show for it is beyond my understanding today. I know that God is good. I'm confident there are things at work that I don't see. I want so much to trust His plan. I want to believe Truth in my depths and appreciate that He is not here for my pleasure but rather the other way around. I believe, help me overcome my unbelief (Mark 9:24).

And Oh Lord, if it is Your will, please give us children. Amen.

Redeeming Love

My women's group met last week. I've mentioned before that 4 of us get together with a professional counselor every few weeks to talk through our lives. We are either in vocational ministry (me) or are married to someone in ministry (the other 3) and need a safe place to be vulnerable and true about our hearts.

One of the women shared some deep fears and depression she is feeling right now. She cried throughout the session. She feels that she lives in a state of sadness and is afraid she'll always feel this way. The counselor suggested she begin to look at depression as a friend rather than try to fight it so much.

It reminded me of my own counseling training and the messages I heard back then. A couple of my professors regularly encouraged us to "camp" in our pain and fears. Paula Rinehart in Strong Women, Soft Hearts refers to a woman grieving the loss of her dad who said she wanted to be able to walk around in her own soul.

There is something freeing about being given permission to stop fighting. To just rest. To just be.

I called my friend to check on her yesterday. She stayed in her pj's all day (her husband took the kids) and gave herself permission to not analyze things to death. My overachieving, frantically busy, burdened friend actually piddled. And it felt good.

I'm going to meet her tomorrow and join her in whatever she's doing (running errands, feeding the kids, picking up her house, whatever) so I can just be with her. I want to pitch my tent and camp there with her.

I just finished Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. I read it so fast I didn't even have time to move it to my "Currently Reading" list. It is a fictional love story based on the story of Gomer in the book of Hosea. Oh man!! It was so guuuuud. I couldn't put it down.

This amazing fictional husband named Michael Hosea was incredibly patient and trusting and loving. Michael is painted so beautifully as a reflection of God and of how man (meant in the generic sense here -women and men alike) should be and even could be.

What I loved most about the story was that Michael gave his prostitute wife, Angel, permission to grow comfortable with her own skin. He patiently watched her learn how to walk around in her own soul. It didn't come without a price. There were times when he was lonely, hurt, broken, angry, afraid, and lost. But he kept coming back to entrusting the process to the Lord.

It costs us something to let our loved ones camp in pain and learn to stop running, stop fighting. Many times it is hard to pay the price. It is hard to control the urge to fix the situation and stop the pain. It is hard to keep from trying to mold the person into who we think he/she ought to be. But if we could be more like Michael Hosea, and more importantly, more like God, we'd see many more friends find wholeness and healing. One of the greatest blessings God gives us is the opportunity to love our family and friends through the darkest nights of their lives. All they need is for us to hold them and tell them what's true. God will do the rest.

An Attempt at Poetry

A thought occurred to me this morning and a poem flowed from that thought. I don't normally have an urge to write poetry so this is new for me.... bear with me.



A Year Ago Today
(March 22)

A year ago today...
A day like any other day
with my thoughts on the meeting ahead.
Listening expectantly in the waiting room for my name to be called.
Celebration! A long journey acknowledged by my advocate in a white coat.
No more waiting.
Finally the moment.
The wand moving gently around
searching for the priceless pearl.

Yes! There it is.... the tiniest beat of a heart.
The tiniest beat of a miracle.
A joy I've never known.
Reaching for my love's hand.
Tears.
Relief.
Joy.
Peace.
Gratitude.
Awe.
Wonder.
LOVE.

A year ago today...
Concern.
The Beat is smaller than it should be.
Two weeks too small.
Concern. Warning.
Don't spread the news just yet.
Fear. But peace.
Longing. Prayers. Hope.

A year ago today
A moment to never forget.
A moment to be treasured.
A moment to feel alive.
A moment to be grateful.

A year later....
A year later to the day....
Empty arms waiting.
Moments away from another try.

Hope.
A year later to the day?

A New Passion

I rediscovered the joy of reading and the world of other people's imaginations some time just after I got married. John and I used to read aloud to each other. This is something I really miss in our marriage.

He opened my eyes to the world of science fiction. We read some great books. Dune, The Blue Adept Series, The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, and several of the Harry Potter books to name a few. While we were living in Houston I was invited to join a Book Club. Only a handful of us consistently read the books. I felt so frustrated when the discussions were pushed to the side so that most could watch the less intellectually appealing television show, The Bachelor.

Turning 35 last June has sent me on a wonderful and difficult journey to discover more of who I am and who I want to be. I've tried harder to see the heart of people and to become more aware of God's beauty in unexpected places. Two of these new places are the world of blogging and the newly rediscovered joy of reading. I can't seem to read enough right now.

This year alone I've read Pride and Prejudice, My Antonia, The Kite Runner, 1000 White Women, Case Histories, and Hour Game. I'm currently reading Bel Canto by Ann Patchett. I can't seem to read fast enough. I'm jealous of the minutes I lose to interruptions during my short lunch break because I look forward all morning to diving back into the latest story.

I thought that from time to time it would be fun to review some of the things I've read. Some stories impact me and stay with me. Others show promise but in the end feel like a let-down. Others are a fleeting moment of entertainment and nothing more.

Of the books I've read recently, Pride and Prejudice stands alone as the best book I've read. I knew nothing about the book going into it, but quickly entered a world I didn't want to leave. The characters came alive and felt so comfortable to me. I loved each of them, even the mother who is so easy to dislike. The courage of Elizabeth to stand up to a powerful and wealthy man made me cheer out loud. Imagining Mr. Darcy later cresting the hill at Pemberley took my breath away. A must-read for every woman.

I picked up Case Histories by Kate Atkinson in the airport in February. It started off strong and immediately grabbed my attention. I think Kate started off with a great concept but the stories collided too easily and the characters lost their appeal. Not a bad book, but it certainly wasn't my favorite.

I'm in a new Book Club here in Dallas, and thankfully, the women are serious about actually reading and reviewing each book. One of the appeals of a Book Club is getting to read books you might never choose on your own. 1000 White Women by Jim Fergus falls into this category. He builds a fictional story on the non-fictional request by the Cheyenne Indians to allow them to have 1000 white women in order to marry, procreate, and become part of the white man's culture. It is an interesting story line that is well written and well researched. I enjoyed the fictional journey.

I'm currently reading Bel Canto by Ann Patchett. I recently read another of her books, The Patron Saint of Liars. I enjoyed her writing in that book but was disturbed by the main character's absence of the ability to give her heart to others. I'm half way through Bel Canto and am enjoying both her writing and the story line. I'm anxious to see where she takes me. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Thanks for indulging me. I've been wanting to share just a small piece of this new insatiable passion to read. If you want to know about any of the other books I mentioned or any that are on my "What I've Read Recently" list, let me know. Read some of them and then let's get together and compare notes.