Quick Update

Wow! Has it really been more than a month since I last posted? Where did my life go?

I want to thank Beth for checking on me.

I've been meaning to sit down and write about the signs that I feel God communicated to tell me that going down this In Vitro Fertilization path is ok. I've been meaning to do it, but have not had much time.

April was hectic. I quit my job, took care of my beautiful nephew for 5 days in Houston, spontaneously went to San Francisco with my husband, and now I'm getting ready to go home to see my folks for Mother's Day. I'm also painting 2 rooms in my house, having lots of doc appointments to get ready for this crazy attempt to have kids at 36 years old, and am about to start a new job.

The truth is.... I'm busy, and not doing well. My soul is not at rest. I've been avoiding God, but I don't know exactly why.

The counselor for the group that I'm in challenged me last week to examine my heart and "have my day in court with God." The counselor asked me to think through what it will mean if God's plan A is not for me to be a mom. Gulp. I want to have my day in court with God. But I can't seem to get to the court to have it. If that makes sense. I'm running. And I know I'm scared. But I don't know what I'm scared of. Which is another good reason to just be still.

Not blogging is yet another sign that my soul is not well. The world seems out of sync right now.

Life is not as I had planned it. (Boy is that an understatement! And I know anyone who reads this can say the same thing.)

I'm reading a new book by Sue Monk Kidd (who wrote The Secret Life of Bees). She also wrote When the Heart Waits. I've only read a couple of chapters, but the book seems to be about a kind of mid-life crisis that Sue went through and how she learned to be still and listen. The book is about her journey into a comtemplative lifestyle. A waiting period much like a cocoon where God is growing and changing her while she is being still and allowing Him to. Huh. I want that. But I don't feel that I have the freedom to be still. I guess that is where I need to start.

I'll try to do better about posting my experiences along the way. Thanks to those of you in my cheering section who care about my soul.