The Honest Truth
A couple of people have asked why I haven't been blogging. My answer: no one wants to read what I have to say right now; too depressing.
I realize that goes against my own philosophy of community.
But the truth is, I feel that my sadness is too much to give anyone else in its entirety. So I'm tentative to share it at all. I've realized that the well of my sadness is so very deep. Even if I could give some of my sadness away (or at least lessen it) by sharing it with others, I can't possibly dump it all. There's just too much. The well seems to be bottomless. Even with my dearest friends, I feel shameful that I can't just "pull it together". I also think our culture allows a certain amount of sadness and no more. I'm well beyond that threshold!
Even I am surprised at times by the depth of my sadness. Tears are always so close to the surface. And just when I think there can't possibly be any tears left in my well (mixing the metaphors a little), new ones quickly come flowing.
I'm listening to "Cry Out to Jesus" by Third Day on the internet as I type. I love how God uses music to help our hearts speak the things our minds don't always have the words for. Several songs have helped along the way: Held by Natalie Grant; Praise You In This Storm by Casting Crowns; Blessed Be Your Name by Tree63; How Great Is Our God by Chris Tomlin are a few of those.
Something I'm learning in the pain:
It is one thing to say that God is good. It is another thing to mean it.
Singing the lyrics of some of the songs I mentioned above means something different to me now. It's not that I haven't had pain before. But I've never had pain like this.
Lyrics like these...
Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name
and:
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name
...are harder to sing. The heart with which they are sung has come at a very great price. Saying "God is good" comes from a grateful but grieving heart. I don't know how people survive without God. It's hard enough with Him!
After rereading what I've written, the temptation to delete this entire blog is great. So I'm going to post now.
If I've exceeded your threshold, I ask for your grace.
posted by Fen @ 2:41 PM
3 comments
3 Comments:
uhm, no, you didn't exceed the threshold. And, this is your space to get it out. I'm glad you're writing. I've been praying for you - you've come to mind these last few days, especially.
Love you.
Writing is good, Jennie. Lay it out; you're not necessarily writing for an audience, you are writing for your SELF. There is healing there...
You and I do have much in common. 'Blessed Be Your Name' became the song that I could not sing without falling to the ground in sorrow and brokenness. It rings true, it pulls our sadness out and puts it in the light of that cold, awful truth - that life, even with God, is difficult, and that sometimes is seems beyond enduring.
Your sorrow sings, Jennie, and your God and his inherent love for you will propel you, somehow, through this season. Having been there (though in a different pain), I can testify to you that you will make it through. This is a season, and these songs sing for you - but in time, you will look back and see your character being carved out, thankful for the woman that you have become.
Hard to see now, but it is TRUTH. Hang, live, sing, cry - and don't be afraid to take every bit of it to Jesus.
Much love to you...
It is tragically disappointing that you are surrounded by 'God's people' and yet there is no one daring enough to rip in your space and respond to the desperation and pain in your spirit now by loving you in your raw emotion. Your pain is, INDEED, TOO MUCH for many people. But for me, my friend, I am willing to sit and listen and love you as best I can. Your pain is not too much for me.
All I know is, this is where you are and I know you're hurting so. I DO want to hear the grief and honest truth. Please, open up your heart to your community, if you are willing and able. I'm committed to being here for you and I know there are other strong sisters who will stand with me, in agreement, and provide their strength as you empty those bottomless wells of yours. I love you Fen. Grief is a long process, so take your time.
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