A "Psalm 1" Lesson

My friend Laura said that this is my space to write what I want. So I am. I'm puking all over the page today. Close the page if the smell is too strong!

I woke up this morning replaying conversations I had with my husband's family this weekend. I'd say they are getting a firm F- in the sensitivity department. Thankfully, my husband and I hammered through some things last week before spending the whole weekend with all of them. It felt so good to me to have him confirm some behaviors his mom has displayed toward me. I wasn't satisfied in knowing she has those behaviors, I was satisfied in hearing my husband agree with me on this topic for a change.

Of all the people in my life, John's family has handled my infertility the worst. About the same time I was attempting IVF, my sister-in-law was announcing her pregnancy. That was quite a blow. She's more than 10 years younger and has often said she didn't really want to be a mom. All I've ever wanted to do was be a mom. And now look at us....

Anyway, I was given the opportunity this weekend to express my hurt and disappointment to my mother-in-law over their unreasonable expectation that I begin throwing confetti for my sister-in-law's pregnancy. I'd say I got a firm B-/C+ in how I handled that conversation. But it felt really good to get it out. One of the things I like about my mother-in-law is that we can be honest with each other about our feelings usually.

The problem is.... I woke up this morning feeling more bitter and angry with all of them. I lay in bed replaying the conversations over the last few months. As I thought about some of the things they've said recently, I became angrier and angrier. So then I had this wave of disgust come over me at my angry heart. I don't want to be that angry person. But what do I want?

Almost every morning when I come to work, I water some newly planted Wisteria plants. As I watered this morning, I let the guard down on my heart a little and thought through some of what is going on in me. I can identify some of what I want that I have no control over: to be a mom, to have a different sister-in-law, to have a fulfulling job, to have a husband following Christ. What I realized is that for the most part, these aren't bad things (maybe I shouldn't say different sister-in-law... just a nicer one would do). However, my tried and true mode of operation is in full force. I'm terrible at just sitting with my longings. I have to stomp my foot and demand. John's family's treatment of our infertility has felt downright cruel at times. So I've crossed my arms and said, "You don't want to embrace my grief? You don't want to hear the depth of sadness in my heart? It's all too inconvenient for you? Fine. No problem. But you will pay." ugh.

I don't like that I have to have all this grief, I don't get to be a mom, I have to watch everyone I know get pregnant with no difficulty, AND God expects me to handle it all well. It feels so unfair. Pity party deluxe today.

But as I was watering the plants, I noticed something. We planted Wisteria plants at the worst possible time of year - late July in Texas! And to make matters worse, this is Dallas' hottest summer on record. So I've watered these new Wisteria plants a lot over the last few weeks. I've been discouraged because the leaves are looking so brown. The sun is fierce. Even with all the watering and care, pieces of the plants are burning. But today I noticed a beautiful purple bloom on one of the plants! I was so surprised and pleased. And it is one of the plants I've worried most about because it's in the sun more than the others.

So many analogies come to mind, but what I snatched and stored in my heart is this: Even though the sun is fierce and I'm hot and tired, going back to God consistently for water will produce beautiful blooms in me. Some of my leaves are still going to burn. We do live outside the Garden afterall. But both blooms and burned leaves can exist at the same time. I can have new growth and old hurts working together to make me who I am. I'm not pristinely green, but my plant is still pretty and can bring joy to others.

I have some gaping holes in my heart that I'm expecting others to fill. And that is so unfair to them. No one, not even my husband, can make my heart whole. It is unreasonable and unhealthy for me to try to make them make me feel better. Of course, there are some reasonable expectations I can have of John's family that have not been met. But I can't cross my arms and "make them pay" when they don't meet my expectations. In one of my earliest posts, I wrote:
Expectations + Reality = Disappointment
That continues to be true. So I must learn to handle disappointment better. This isn't a new concept for me. This is an age-old battle. Same song, second (or third or fourth or fifth) verse. You would think I would learn so I don't have to revisit this kind of pain and frustration.

The work it will take to release the anger and the demands seems daunting, but the freedom that comes from allowing God to water my heart and produce blooms is worth the work. I hope.