Redeeming Love

My women's group met last week. I've mentioned before that 4 of us get together with a professional counselor every few weeks to talk through our lives. We are either in vocational ministry (me) or are married to someone in ministry (the other 3) and need a safe place to be vulnerable and true about our hearts.

One of the women shared some deep fears and depression she is feeling right now. She cried throughout the session. She feels that she lives in a state of sadness and is afraid she'll always feel this way. The counselor suggested she begin to look at depression as a friend rather than try to fight it so much.

It reminded me of my own counseling training and the messages I heard back then. A couple of my professors regularly encouraged us to "camp" in our pain and fears. Paula Rinehart in Strong Women, Soft Hearts refers to a woman grieving the loss of her dad who said she wanted to be able to walk around in her own soul.

There is something freeing about being given permission to stop fighting. To just rest. To just be.

I called my friend to check on her yesterday. She stayed in her pj's all day (her husband took the kids) and gave herself permission to not analyze things to death. My overachieving, frantically busy, burdened friend actually piddled. And it felt good.

I'm going to meet her tomorrow and join her in whatever she's doing (running errands, feeding the kids, picking up her house, whatever) so I can just be with her. I want to pitch my tent and camp there with her.

I just finished Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. I read it so fast I didn't even have time to move it to my "Currently Reading" list. It is a fictional love story based on the story of Gomer in the book of Hosea. Oh man!! It was so guuuuud. I couldn't put it down.

This amazing fictional husband named Michael Hosea was incredibly patient and trusting and loving. Michael is painted so beautifully as a reflection of God and of how man (meant in the generic sense here -women and men alike) should be and even could be.

What I loved most about the story was that Michael gave his prostitute wife, Angel, permission to grow comfortable with her own skin. He patiently watched her learn how to walk around in her own soul. It didn't come without a price. There were times when he was lonely, hurt, broken, angry, afraid, and lost. But he kept coming back to entrusting the process to the Lord.

It costs us something to let our loved ones camp in pain and learn to stop running, stop fighting. Many times it is hard to pay the price. It is hard to control the urge to fix the situation and stop the pain. It is hard to keep from trying to mold the person into who we think he/she ought to be. But if we could be more like Michael Hosea, and more importantly, more like God, we'd see many more friends find wholeness and healing. One of the greatest blessings God gives us is the opportunity to love our family and friends through the darkest nights of their lives. All they need is for us to hold them and tell them what's true. God will do the rest.

An Attempt at Poetry

A thought occurred to me this morning and a poem flowed from that thought. I don't normally have an urge to write poetry so this is new for me.... bear with me.



A Year Ago Today
(March 22)

A year ago today...
A day like any other day
with my thoughts on the meeting ahead.
Listening expectantly in the waiting room for my name to be called.
Celebration! A long journey acknowledged by my advocate in a white coat.
No more waiting.
Finally the moment.
The wand moving gently around
searching for the priceless pearl.

Yes! There it is.... the tiniest beat of a heart.
The tiniest beat of a miracle.
A joy I've never known.
Reaching for my love's hand.
Tears.
Relief.
Joy.
Peace.
Gratitude.
Awe.
Wonder.
LOVE.

A year ago today...
Concern.
The Beat is smaller than it should be.
Two weeks too small.
Concern. Warning.
Don't spread the news just yet.
Fear. But peace.
Longing. Prayers. Hope.

A year ago today
A moment to never forget.
A moment to be treasured.
A moment to feel alive.
A moment to be grateful.

A year later....
A year later to the day....
Empty arms waiting.
Moments away from another try.

Hope.
A year later to the day?

A New Passion

I rediscovered the joy of reading and the world of other people's imaginations some time just after I got married. John and I used to read aloud to each other. This is something I really miss in our marriage.

He opened my eyes to the world of science fiction. We read some great books. Dune, The Blue Adept Series, The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, and several of the Harry Potter books to name a few. While we were living in Houston I was invited to join a Book Club. Only a handful of us consistently read the books. I felt so frustrated when the discussions were pushed to the side so that most could watch the less intellectually appealing television show, The Bachelor.

Turning 35 last June has sent me on a wonderful and difficult journey to discover more of who I am and who I want to be. I've tried harder to see the heart of people and to become more aware of God's beauty in unexpected places. Two of these new places are the world of blogging and the newly rediscovered joy of reading. I can't seem to read enough right now.

This year alone I've read Pride and Prejudice, My Antonia, The Kite Runner, 1000 White Women, Case Histories, and Hour Game. I'm currently reading Bel Canto by Ann Patchett. I can't seem to read fast enough. I'm jealous of the minutes I lose to interruptions during my short lunch break because I look forward all morning to diving back into the latest story.

I thought that from time to time it would be fun to review some of the things I've read. Some stories impact me and stay with me. Others show promise but in the end feel like a let-down. Others are a fleeting moment of entertainment and nothing more.

Of the books I've read recently, Pride and Prejudice stands alone as the best book I've read. I knew nothing about the book going into it, but quickly entered a world I didn't want to leave. The characters came alive and felt so comfortable to me. I loved each of them, even the mother who is so easy to dislike. The courage of Elizabeth to stand up to a powerful and wealthy man made me cheer out loud. Imagining Mr. Darcy later cresting the hill at Pemberley took my breath away. A must-read for every woman.

I picked up Case Histories by Kate Atkinson in the airport in February. It started off strong and immediately grabbed my attention. I think Kate started off with a great concept but the stories collided too easily and the characters lost their appeal. Not a bad book, but it certainly wasn't my favorite.

I'm in a new Book Club here in Dallas, and thankfully, the women are serious about actually reading and reviewing each book. One of the appeals of a Book Club is getting to read books you might never choose on your own. 1000 White Women by Jim Fergus falls into this category. He builds a fictional story on the non-fictional request by the Cheyenne Indians to allow them to have 1000 white women in order to marry, procreate, and become part of the white man's culture. It is an interesting story line that is well written and well researched. I enjoyed the fictional journey.

I'm currently reading Bel Canto by Ann Patchett. I recently read another of her books, The Patron Saint of Liars. I enjoyed her writing in that book but was disturbed by the main character's absence of the ability to give her heart to others. I'm half way through Bel Canto and am enjoying both her writing and the story line. I'm anxious to see where she takes me. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Thanks for indulging me. I've been wanting to share just a small piece of this new insatiable passion to read. If you want to know about any of the other books I mentioned or any that are on my "What I've Read Recently" list, let me know. Read some of them and then let's get together and compare notes.