What Is Reality?

This has been a weird weekend.

I got a call on Friday morning at the church where I work letting me know that our former youth minister, who just left our staff a few weeks ago, was rushing his baby daughter to the hospital. This 3 month old little girl, Emmalee Renee, wasn't breathing when the youth minister went in to check on her during a nap. Evidently she'd been without oxygen for about 20 minutes in the doctor's estimation. They were able to get her breathing but she had to be on life support because there was no brain activity. They waited about 24 hours, but she never regained activity so they took her off life support and she died yesterday evening.

Hearing about any child's death is always so difficult and unimaginable. But I think I'm even more tender to these sorts of things right now.

I'm struggling to accept the harshness of life. I'm not angry with God. That isn't it. I don't feel anger. I think I feel fear. And deep ache. And maybe I feel a little indignant. Parents shouldn't have to lose their babies to suffocation.

My sister reminded me that Emmalee is the winner here. She's with the Lord. We can't be sad for her. She got to miss the heartache of life and go straight to the glory of the Lord. But the heartache of her parents losing that precious little thing barely 3 months old... that I can't grasp. How their hearts don't explode from pain is beyond my comprehension.

I know all the right things to say... God will get them through, He will use this for good, He knows best, etc. All those are true. But that doesn't dismiss or diminish the heartache of having your newborn one minute and not having her the next. He doesn't take away all the "What If's" they will play in their heads for the rest of their lives. They won't stop wondering what Emmalee would have been like with each birthday that passes. You never get over this kind of loss. You move on, you live life, but you don't ever forget.

Earlier this week, the 15 year old daughter of the lady who cleans my house had a baby girl named Jasmine. The 15 year old's boyfriend is no where to be found. Another reminder that life is harsh and not fair. This family barely makes ends meet as it is and now they have this sweet new baby to care for and raise. All the while, John and I would give all we have to be parents to our own child. How is it that 15 year olds having sex out of wedlock have the "consequence" of a child while 36 year old married women wrestle with the burden of infertility? How is a child the "consequence" of sin in one instance and the unrealized hope and dream in another?

In the midst of all this, I went to the UT/OU football game yesterday. It was the funnest game to watch so far this year. It was fun being in the Cotton Bowl with John, his brother and his dad. It was a beautiful day. I loved watching the Horns come out the 2nd half with confidence and poise. They played hard and looked like the team I watched win a national championship last year. It was so much fun. And it was relief from the pain for a little while.

Life is a weird thing. I'm cheering and happy and screaming my voice away one minute. And grieving the loss of my co-worker's baby the next. Pure joy and pure pain. The two can exist together. There was part of me that felt guilt for having fun at the game. It's not reality. It isn't important really who wins and who loses. It doesn't mean anything beyond today. And yet it is relief for a moment. Escape.

UT football has been that escape for John and me a lot the last couple of years. It gives us something to look forward to and unite around. It's fun to watch, it's fun to be a part of. But it isn't reality.

What is reality?